the imbalance in the force

Today I remembered why I liked not having friends. Before, when I had no friends, you can say that I was selfish because I did not want to spend my time with other people or you can say that I just did not care about others. However, whenever I get close to people, whenever I start to care about people, this is where I begin to find myself in bad situations. When I say I care about my friends, I care about them, even if I might be talkin smack, I do it because I care. Because I care I cannot turn my back on my friends but at the same time if they hurt I hurt. This feeling of mutual pain through suffering bothers me because I feel like I tend to be the source of alot of suffering amongst my friends. I feel like I can be either a great guy that is their to comfort and care, or I can be a source of sorrow that just makes people around me feel like shit. I hate it because I feel like my mind is getting in the right place when it comes to my studies yet I feel like shit because if I am not feeling great on any given day, I know that I am an asshole. Tonight I pissed off a good friend of mine for no good reason because I was just messin around. I did not mean to get her upset and now I feel like shit because I made her upset. I always felt like it was better to handle things on my own and this having people around whether it be friends or kohai, its still really difficult for me to deal with these relationships. I think that I treat all my relationships the same yet not everyone is the same. I have to be flexible because I have to deal with people a certain way in order to carry on a healthy relationship with them. The more I think about everything the shittier I feel about it. I do not feel great physically, yet I am trying to accomplish so much and people are encouraging me, yet I do not know how to accept this encouragement. I know that I should not shut myself out like I use to, but I know that I need to do something, if I do not, I will lose all my friends. The doc said that he found nothing wrong with me, but I need to go see a cardiologist next week. I really hope that everything will end up ok.

So...

my Girlfriend will read this because she has the link to it now. real update in the morning :-) LOVE YOU BABY!!!

I have to work on Seme

So today, I took peanut(my car) to the shop to get it checked out. It stalled on me last weekend after my intake sucked up some water. Its good now. So since I was back home because of the shop during rushhour, I decided to go practice at Gardena Dojo. It was a really great practice. I got lots of praise but the main sensei told me that I really need to work on my Seme. He said that I have enormous potential, but I need to get better Seme in order to become a champion. I am determined to work hard. I will be a Champion. but now, I have to do Homework.

New beginnings

So yesterday was cool because my team got third place at the Yuhihai Kendo Tourny. That was cool. My problem right now though is that I am working on a paper last minute as usual. I had too much shit happen to me in the last month that I have decided that I am really going to made an effort to change my bad habits. I have to say, its hard to do especially if you are starting out of such a deep hole like I am. I am kind of discouraged by just thinking about what I need to do to get back on track. However, I am really determined to succeed. So I am going back to work. What can I say, I am never going to get myself out of this hole if I never try start climbing.